EVERY thing? Are you sure that's not a misprint? How about, "In the things that are comfortable and convenient and pleasant, give thanks."
During the Thanksgiving season, it's easy for me to make cute little handprint leaves and go around each night and list off a million things I'm thankful for.
(Apparently the objects of our gratitude depend on our age.)
What is not so easy is finding gratitude for the things I would list off as "things that aren't fair, things that tick me off, things that shouldn't be the way they are."
And yet there it is in the scriptures. In every thing give thanks.
It has been tempting over the past 4+ years of multiple miscarriages and fertility treatments to become bitter. And let's face it, I have. I've cried, I've ranted, I've raved. It is all too easy to resent the other blogs I read of my dear friends rejoicing in their pregnancies and their talented, neurotypical kids. I've often thought, "You know what? I'm just going to quit this blogging junk because I can't handle everyone else's normal, perfect lives with their normal, perfect 3+ kids. I'm just going to cut myself off from everyone because that way I wouldn't feel so much pain. So there."
How's that for melodramatic and attention-seeking?
One of the more excellent books I read this year was recommended to me by my sister-in-law. Loving What Is by Byron Katie is all about accepting reality and embracing people and yourself and situation for what it is. And by accepting reality, I certainly don't mean giving up or not trying any more to change things that you don't like.
The Alcoholics Anonymous "Serenity Prayer" really says it all:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
So here's the deal. I can't change the fact that my beautiful, lovely, sweet daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADD. I can't change the fact that we don't have more children (not that we won't keep trying).
But here's what I can do:
I can change my attitude.
- I can be happy that I have a beautiful, sweet, intelligent, funny daughter. Period.
- I can be happy that she has Aspergers and use it to make darn sure that we are stronger, closer, smarter, and more faithful because of--or in spite of--it. I can be grateful it's not something much, much worse.
- I can be happy that I only have one child. GASP! What?! Be a Mormon woman who is happy to only have one? Of course I don't only want one, but I can enjoy it instead of always feeling guilty and couching my every move in the concept of, "How on earth am I going to help Clara button her pants when I have another one?" or "Well, when we have another one, then we can start more family traditions," or "When we have another child, then I'll feel like we have a real family."
- I can choose to slow down and remind myself that life isn't all about being productive and efficient and fast. I can embrace Clara's slow, sometimes devil-may-care attitude when it comes to getting places or finishing tasks and just give myself more time to get stuff done instead of rushing her because I'm running behind.
- I can accept the days when I'm a bad mom and enjoy the days when I'm a good one.
- I can accept the days when Clara is a stinkpot and revel in the ones when she's a sweetheart (the latter being more frequent than the former.)
- I can learn to SAVOR THE SWEET MOMENTS. Live in them. Allow them to be imprinted on my memory.
- I can choose to not apologize for things I have no control over and which are not my responsibility.
- I can choose to stop worrying about what other people think and enjoy being myself.
- And here's a novel idea: Instead of worrying so much about my own problems, which are absolutely MINISCULE, TINY, ITSY-BITSY, PRACTICALLY NON-EXISTENT compared to the truly life-shattering trials some people face, I can look to the Savior and stop worrying about me and instead think about how I can bless other people's lives.
Because let's face it. When you get to eat breakfast and dinner with a handsome, rock-awesome husband and darling daughter to whom you've have been sealed for eternity, what's there not to be grateful for?
Wow, you get to eat breakfast AND dinner WITH your husband? That makes ME jealous. (See, we all do it.) I think we (or I) focus on the things we are missing when we look at others' blessings and minimize their trials, at least until they are shown to us. Then we say, "Ahh, wait a minute, I really don't envy you as much as I thought." Thanks for opening up and sharing. It's not easy to do, and it makes me wonder sometimes why I blog, too. Mostly its for my parents who live far away from us, Angie being their only grandchild for the time being. Maybe that's why most blogs are just happy kid news, for family's sake.
ReplyDeleteYou do have so many wonderful blessing in your life- so many talents and an amazing family. I have always wanted to be more like you. I wish I could take away your pain! This must be hard. I now have more to be thankful for. But you are right, our trials are meant for us, and I never will wish anyone else's on myself. Remember that your family of three can always change. I always felt like my future would hold something different- an adoption or foster care, however it really scares me. You are both amazing parents and wonderful people!
ReplyDeleteBrittany-sometimes I read your blog and I wish that we could live by each other. I think I would want to hang out with you all of the time, though, and you might get annoyed. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for posting this! I love reading your blog and I think you are such an amazing and inspiring person. I've been thinking a lot about living in thanksgiving daily since Pres. Monson's talk in conference, so I really appreciate your insights! It's given me a lot to ponder in my own life.
ReplyDeleteI have thought intermittently about this post since I read it a few days ago. It made me happy and sad all at once... and very thoughtful (thank you). I have been trying to think of what I want to respond, but keep not knowing what to say or where to start. So I guess I should just say that I love you and am grateful to know you. We recently had an area authority come to our neck of the woods and talk to our stake. He talked a lot about the struggles we have with all that comes with starting a family. He was very open about how personal it is. And that there is no clear reason why one family will learn what they need to learn about becoming Christlike through lots of kids in steady succession while others learn through infertility, adoption, etc. But that we are all given trials to out specific needs. That doesn't make our trails any easier though.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, I sending you a big hug. I wish we lived closer because I miss you!
PS. my favorite talk that somewhat relates is "One Thing Needful: Becoming Women of Great Faith" by Patricia Holland. I'm sure you've read it... but if not, you should!!
I loved that post and want to have a conversation with you about it. I have kept your blog up for a couple days hoping I'd have more than a minute to write you a long e-mail, but it hasn't happened. Anyway, thank you for sharing and teaching and inspiring. I am grateful for you!
ReplyDeleteWell, amen to everything everyone else has written! Brittany, whenever I read your thoughts and feelings, I feel like you capture the universal feelings and struggles of the heart and mind. (But you do it much more beautifully and accurately than I would.) Even though my trials are different from yours, I struggle with the same feelings. I think everybody does. Just tonight I've been thinking about how hard we all seem to try (some of us anyway) to conceal the things that would actually serve to unify and strengthen us and those around us. Why do we do that? I am thankful for your candid words and inspiring example. I love and admire you so much!
ReplyDeleteDear One,
ReplyDeleteSomehow I missed this posting. My heart goes out to you - when the scriptures say "opposition in all things", I don't think that I really thought it would mean in all things!
You are an amazing woman - and I admire your attitude so much. And yes, "If you can't change your situation, change your attitude towards is."
Love, Momma
Hey, Brittany, thanks for being so real. Sometimes we edit the bad things from our blogs, which makes things seem perfect. But, they're not. And that's okay! Thanks for sharing the whole picture! I'll be doing the same!
ReplyDelete