Some days are just like that

I don't want to make my blog a travelogue, but that is what it seems to be of late. So to keep things real, I thought I'd share my day today. Feel free not to read as it is lengthy.

Today was not a great day. It felt a bit like Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. First of all, it's spring break, and I hadn't prepared for the week well in terms of activities, etc. It is very challenging for me to find activities that interest both an eleven-year-old with autism and an active three-year-old. Secondly, I overslept my alarm and didn't work out this morning. Blech. Henry came down with a fairly high fever a day ago and awoke this morning with it still going strong (he does seem to be doing better this evening, fortunately). My normally not super-cuddly boy has become quite cuddly and didn't love for me to put him down today, which was nice but also tiring and a bit painful.

Clara knows she can't have screen time until she gets her jobs done (she got on this morning without permission and I reminded and warned her not to get on without my permission again), but she got on my laptop when I was gone. I informed her she had lost screen time for the rest of the day. Then she snuck on to Michael's laptop while she and Robbie were playing on the plasma cars in the basement. I told her that she had now lost screen time for tomorrow as well. Then she got on AGAIN when they were playing downstairs later, and I informed her she couldn't get on for the rest of the week. So now I've shot myself in the foot for the next few days when I need some quiet time when Henry and Robbie are having quiet time--normally I let Clara have screen time after she has done her chores, etc., while I have my own time/take a nap for a bit.

I also discovered that Clara had gotten into the bag of marshmallows and eaten, I don't know how many, 12?, big marshmallows. And this was after having lost dessert today because she had snuck dessert yesterday. I love treats and allow my kids to have treats, but only at appropriate meal/snack time and not sneaking them without permission. That's a pet peeve of mine. So now she has lost dessert tomorrow.

While Michael and I were in the kitchen after dinner, Robbie and Clara were laughing in the bathroom upstairs. Robbie had been taking a bath, but I could tell by their laughter that there was probably something mischievous going on. However, I was enjoying venting to Michael (what a guy) and didn't want to go upstairs. When I finally did go up, I opened the bathroom door to discover two naked children laughing and standing in front of the mirror with water all over the floor, the mirror, and the walls, wet towels everywhere, and sopping toilet paper on the floor. I was not happy. I was angry. I called down to Michael and he was not happy either. They both were sent to their rooms and then made to come back and help clean it up. But hey, the upside is that the floor is nice and clean now.

There were good things, to be sure: Hyrum babysat (paid) the kids for a bit this morning while I worked on the never-ending XL spreadsheet with the kids' jobs and finally went to the bank. The sun was shining, and we enjoyed some time outside. I rolled out the big roll of paper and taped it to the kitchen counter and we painted (while Henry hung out in my Ergo carrier), which was fun. Michael has a yucky cold, poor guy, but he unexpectedly came home early and played kickball with a beach ball in the backyard with the kids. He also stayed a little longer before leaving for Mutual tonight to help with getting Robbie down. The kids are all clean, which is always nice. We all made up from the bathroom fiasco and got the Spirit back, which was good. And I am going to go to ignore the big pile of laundry and go to bed by 9pm.

I know my goal this year is about being grateful, and today I felt terribly guilty that I was not grateful to be a mother today. I wanted to hand in my badge and be done with it. But I decided that while maybe I couldn't be grateful for motherhood today, that was okay and I could find other things to be grateful for. I was thankful for the nice weather, that I wasn't sick with the same cold Michael and Henry have, that we have food to eat, and a nice warm home and working cars. Many other blessings. But the worst was just the guilt that I didn't want this job--being a mother--that is so important and that I should/need to be really good at.

Anyway, sometimes it's easy to think that things would be different if I were on vacation, if I had such and such (mostly more time), if x, y, or z were different. Or if I lived in Australia like the book. But in reality, I think Alexander's mom was right: "Some days are just like that. Even in Australia."

Easter!

I love Easter. It was fun to have my parents here for Easter again this year and to look back and recall that last Easter I was very large with child. I am glad it's now and not then. I am also glad that the weather was much nicer this time of year than last.

The Easter Bunny visits our house on Saturday. By the time Michael and the kids had come up from playing plasma cars/scooters in the basement, the Easter Bunny had come and gone, leaving behind some eggs to find.

"Look, Mom! I found one!" I love those Batman boots.

 Ooh--a golden bunny in the dump truck!

The Easter Bunny even left an egg for Henry to find, but he forgot to take the candy out first. Fortunately Henry was just interested in the plastic egg while I snatched the candy away.

"What is this, some kind of cruel joke?"

"I'll get you for this, Mr. Easter Bunny!"

Group photo attempt.

After the egg hunt, Michael and my dad and Robbie worked hard spreading mulch around the yard. I love the look of fresh mulch beds.

While I wasn't paying attention, Henry discovered an egg with some melted chocolate in it.

He was thrilled. I am so sorry, dear third child, that I wasn't watching you closely enough. I know you were thrilled that I wasn't.

 Clara and Robbie dyed some eggs later that afternoon. When I came back out after having gone inside for a few minutes, Clara showed me her yellow hands and Robbie his blue. That dye is hard to get off, fyi.

We capped the day off with the girls--three generations!--going to the General Women's broadcast. It was wonderful. I was so glad to be able to go with my mom and Clara.

Easter Sunday was great. We enjoyed a leisurely breakfast of sausage, hard-boiled eggs, green smoothies, and resurrection rolls (marshmallow crescent puffs).

I was running late so I plopped the boys down in front of the kitchen cabinets for a quick matchie-matchie photo attempt before church. I am going to start dressing them just before we leave because Robbie keeps getting his Sunday clothes dirty when I dress him too soon. Church was a mixture of wonderful uplift and stress--uplift from the messages of the joyful resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ and stress from trying to wrestle the kids during Sacrament meeting and teach Sunday School while also trying to figure out what to do with Henry who refuses to sleep during church and is also dealing with separation anxiety.

Here my mom is showing me how to make pear bunnies for dinner. We enjoyed meatloaf, mashed potatoes, asparagus, and leftover resurrection rolls, with strawberry trifle for dessert.

I am so thankful that my Savior was so brave as to suffer for my pains and guilt and sins and to die for me. I am so happy He was resurrected. I know that He lives today and wants us to come unto Him.

Happy Easter and thanks again, Mom and Dad, for coming!

Fun times with Nana and Bapa

Last weekend we were treated to a visit from my parents. It was the end of a very long road trip for them, but they were so great and hung out and helped around the house and played with the kids.

On Thursday, we surprised Clara at lunch and then went to the book fair with her. She was happy to see us but a bit confused as to why we came. :-)

 That afternoon we went to the library and were thrilled to see a therapy dog there. Clara loves the dog (Skye) that visits her school library sometimes, and this one (Jemma) was so laid-back. Henry loved her and just crawled all around (and over) her, even crawling between her legs once while she was standing up. Robbie wasn't very interested in her.

 On Good Friday, we visited Montpelier, the home of James Madison. The weather was just gorgeous and the spring blossoms were beginning to bloom. I want to go back when the garden is in full bloom.

 Robbie and Henry weren't very interested in being quiet for the tour, so we enjoyed the grounds for awhile. James and Dolley and Robbie--three peas in a pod.

Such a beautiful view.

Robbie got to dig in the archaeology lab (a big sandbox filled with dirt and artifacts planted in it) where there are real archaeologists excavating pieces from various sites around the estate.

 Here are Bapa and Clara checking out the sundial. Apparently the sun hadn't gotten the memo about daylight savings time and it read an hour behind.

A visit from the Heiss family

This past weekend we had a great time with Michael's sister, L'Anita, her husband, Erik, and their four beautiful kids, who drove up from Georgia.

 They arrived in the evening and immediately wanted to get on the trampoline. Uncle Michael, awesome as always, jumped with them and played Duck Duck Goose, among other things.

 Robbie and his cousin Samuel, only six weeks or so apart, got along very well (minus a few age-appropriate spats) and enjoyed sharing a room, riding scooters in the basement, playing in the playroom, drawing, riding together in the car, and just having fun. Frankly I don't even know all that they did because they just would go off and play together. It was so nice.

 Henry and Lucy enjoyed sharing toys and staring at each other (with some interested pokes from Henry). Both are happy babies, so that made it really nice.

Despite some chilly weather (it snowed on Saturday throughout much of the day), we had a great time on cousin Abigail's ninth birthday, enjoying pancakes for breakfast, going to the children's museum, opening presents, and eating pizza.

We celebrated Hyrum's birthday (today!) as well, so they got to share an extreme fudge moose tracks mud pie.

 Blowing out the candles!

 Cousin Anne was so sweet with Henry (and Clara and Robbie--she drew such sweet pictures for Robbie of him as a fireman, as well as drawings for me and Michael)--she got some great giggles out of him. Wish I had snapped a shot of the three girls sharing a room and hanging out together--Clara had a great time with Anne and Abigail.

 L'Anita had the kids do a fun family bingo activity from the Friend magazine using old photo albums on Sunday morning. She is awesome and an inspiration to me of motherhood skills, faith, self-improvement, and kindness. Michael did some fun "scripture story" videos with iMovie with the cousins--they were pretty hilarious.

 Happy baby Lucy took awesome naps and just smiled and practiced trying to crawl while she was awake.

 Erik and L'Anita even generously babysat Robbie and Henry on Monday night while we went to a special 5th grade chorus concert that Clara sang in. It was really special.

Thanks again for coming, Heisses!

Bedtime at our house

I thought I might do some posts about our home and routines for posterity's sake (and mine down the road as well as anyone else who is interested in such things).

This is our room. I think it's my favorite room in the house, even though it's not quite done yet in terms of decor, etc. Our bed makes me really happy--the bedding, the amazing memory foam topper we got from Amazon several years ago, and the anticipation I have to crawl into it every evening after putting the house and the kids to sleep. I fully recognize that it's just a thing, an earthly thing that could be destroyed and holds no eternal value. But I am thankful for it. The only thing that isn't really accurate about this picture is that it's missing a tissue or two, a book, and sometimes my retainer or a hairband on my nightstand along with a book or paper or two on Michael's side. Oh, and a basket of laundry is often on the chair. The polka-dot bag is my scripture bag, which keeps rotating places around the house as I don't have my desk anymore and can't decide my favorite place to study my scriptures.

This is typically how Henry looks when I come to get him after a nap or bedtime. He sleeps in our closet. It is a funny room because it was supposed to be much smaller, but when we built the house we needed it to be bigger because it was the room right below Robbie's, which we didn't want to be too small. So we used it for our desks and sewing table. When Henry was born, we moved Michael's desk to the basement, and Robbie's old crib is there now. My desk remains but is mostly used to keep random piles and papers (see bottom corner of above pic for a peek).

These days, Henry goes to bed around 6:45pm, Robbie goes to bed around 7:30 or 8:00pm (depending on whether he's taken an afternoon nap), and Clara is usually in bed around 9:00pm. Henry really likes to be swaddled. He still flails around when he is tired, but we have gradually been weaning him off various swaddling devices. First we wrapped him in those awesome muslin blankets, but then he wriggled out of those. I bought "the miracle blanket," which is an ultimate swaddling blanket with a flap that goes under the back, but he started getting out of that, too. Then I bought the "Woombie," which is like a sleeper without any arms. He liked that, but then he would get an arm out of the neck hole. So now we are currently using the "zipadeezip" (see above pic) which we had gotten for Robbie (he had the same need for swaddling but I don't recall him having it quite so long). It has little "batwings" but no hand holes, so it is still semi-snuggly. At ten months I think I will take that away and just let him deal with it. I am quite the poster child for spending money on swaddling stuff, I know. Funny that Clara never needed any swaddling. I think it's that the boys are so active that they like to be held tightly in order to relax and go to sleep. How's that for scientific? I know the Moro reflex is outgrown by now, but before when I'd put him down without being swaddled, he just would cry and cry with his arms and hands all over the place and then calm right down when he was wrapped more securely. Now I think it's just habitual comfort. For both of us.

This is an accurate picture of Clara at 9:30 each night. Or 10:00. I honestly don't know what time she goes to bed--she enjoys staying up and reading. She insists on having her lamp and closet light all night long. This drives me nuts, but it is one of the things I let go because it wasn't worth all the battles. Her bed and floor are scattered with various books and articles of clothing. This drives me more nuts than the lights on and is one of the things I can't let go. She has to clean her room once a week (it used to be every day, but I decided to back off), which is difficult to get her to do even with the consequence of no screen time or items being removed if they aren't cleaned up. Clara has some adorable bedding but she prefers this pink comforter most of the time. I am grateful that she likes to read. When we have time, I read to her before bed, which we both enjoy, although she wants me to read Geronimo Stilton books and I prefer to read classics like Pollyanna. So we compromise sometimes, and sometimes Michael will read Calvin and Hobbes to her. I am thankful that she doesn't have night-waking issues. I need to focus on the positive!

I really like Robbie's room, too. I should show a pic of the other side of the room sometime. Since getting him a twin bed, he has for some reason preferred to sleep with his head at the foot of his bed. I think it's because it's closer to the door and lately he has been scared of monsters, etc.. Robbie really loves books, and we love reading to him. However, sometimes it is a negotiation process of how many and how long. Before bed and nap time, it is generally two books, or sometimes one long, one short, or maybe three if we have time. Dora books, Clifford, Richard Scarry books, and Curious George are current favorites. A real favorite, however, is when Daddy tells Robbie a pirate bedtime story while Robbie lies in bed. He enjoys it when I tell him stories in bed (which isn't too often), like The Three Little Pigs or Goldilocks and the Three Bears, but Daddy's own stories are the best. His stories consist of two characters, Miguel and Hob, and their pirate adventures. These stories remind me of the stories that my dad would tell us as kids. I hope that Michael will record his pirate stories so Robbie and our other kids can enjoy them for years to come.

So that's our bedtime in a nutshell. Now it's time for me to hit the sack.

A mother's body: a living sacrifice

One of the challenges of being a mother is the toll it takes on the body. (The emotional, mental, and spiritual challenges are a whole other matter entirely.) Pregnancy, labor, delivery, nursing each child several times a day and night for months on end, then carrying and holding the baby as it grows bigger, not to mention the diapering, feeding, car-seating, etc. etc. etc. With each successive child, I have found it harder to recover, harder to "bounce back."

(bad photo of a photo, the night before going into labor with Clara)

I was thinking about all of this and the sacrifice that a loving Father in Heaven asks me to make by becoming a mother. I thought about the Savior and the Sacrament. At the Last Supper, the Savior breaks bread and shares it with the twelve apostles saying, "This is my body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of me" (Luke 22:19). When a woman gives up her body to be used as a sanctuary for a growing baby, a portal for a spirit to enter the world, and then uses every part of herself thereafter to care for that child, she is following the Savior's example. He gave His body for me, and now I am following Him by sacrificing my body for another.

 (pregnant with Robbie)

Because we live in a fallen world with gravity and stretch marks and fat cells and aches and pain, my body is forever changed after having a baby. Each additional child is an additional toll on the body. However, it is not a sacrifice in vain. Indeed, "sacrificing" my vanity helps me become more holy and keep an eternal perspective in a world that focuses almost solely on the body and the outside appearance.

Will I ever "get my body back"? No, not the one I had before. And why should I want my body to be the same? Do I want to look as if I had never had a child, that having children and the changes of childbearing and nursing are shameful and should be erased? While I don't think that having children and being fashionable and fit are at all mutually exclusive, I also think that there is honor in having a changed body.

 (pregnant with Henry)

In the mean time, I am trying to "present [my body] a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is [my] reasonable service" (Romans 12:1). Is it not "reasonable" to ask me to use this glorious gift of a body to raise others of His children when He has sacrificed His own Son's entire body on my behalf? He accepts the sacrifice of our bodies when we are serving Him, even when those bodies aren't working quite right or don't perform at the level we wish they would. Christ's own body is a constant reminder to Him, and us, that He loves us:

"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands" (Isaiah 49:15-16).

 For a nursing mother, that comparison is powerful. I want to embrace the body I have now and give thanks for the opportunity to sacrifice, in a small way, the same way the Savior sacrificed. As a mother, I want to rejoice and lift other mothers up in our joint efforts to follow His example instead of feeling less than other mothers because my body doesn't look as svelte. I want to look at myself in the mirror with the confident assurance knowing that I am doing a good work with this body of mine, despite my weaknesses and imperfections. Through the noble service of mothering, I am choosing to give my body back to the Lord--the body He has given to me--knowing that He will, in His mercy, replace this one some day with a resurrected body, pain-free and totally awesome in every way.

Better than I deserve

Lehi tells us, "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25). I think one perspective on this scripture is that we are sent to earth to prove ourselves worthy of a future joy, an eternal joy with our families in a state of exaltation with our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ. However, I know from the countless scriptures to "rejoice," "be glad," and "lift up your head," I am supposed to be happy and find joy now, too.

It is a lot easier for me to be joyful when I feel on top of my game--when I feel good about my body, when I've had quality time with Michael, when my house is clean, when I've studied my scriptures and am prepared for my callings/service, when my kids are playing nicely, when I've had some social time with other girlfriends, and when I've gotten enough rest. That's pretty much the magic formula for me . . . how often do all those things actually happen, much less on the same day?

Maybe I need to change my magic formula and use Robbie's, which is pretty much Being Alive = Experiencing Joy.

I love this quote by Sarah Ban Breathnach:

“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present— love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure— the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.”

 Another great quote, this one from President Monson:

"If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly" Oct 2008 General Conference). 

Maybe my magic formula for happiness should be the following: (1) I am alive on this beautiful earth + (2) I am loved by my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ + (3) I am trying = Happiness. With that formula in mind, I can find joy everyday, in every circumstance, in good health or poor, no matter the state of my house, my body, my children's behavior, or the crazy state of the country and world.

I like my dad's response to the question, "How are you doing?" He invariably answers with this cheerful response: "Better than I deserve."

Isn't that the truth? Not in a self-deprecatory, "woe is me" way, but we truly are blessed beyond our efforts, beyond all that we try to do that is right. Through the Savior's Atonement, darkness will be turned to light, and even days of sickness or self-loathing or discouragement can be seen through the lens of faith and hope. That's the "garden" I want to grow.