Insufficient and okay

Today I felt keenly that I was not enough. Not kind enough to others, patient enough, not prepared enough at church, not a good enough parent to handle the challenges that my children bring to me. I often try to fill the lack of feeling enough with food, trying to compensate for my lack by an overabundance of eating. It does dull the pain for a bit, but of course, the root of the problem is still there.

Even Batman felt insufficient sometimes. I think.

And so on a day like today, when I am feeling this way and really want to drown my troubles and self-loathing in some ice cream, I thought I would instead share some thoughts I've learned about sufficiency from my study months ago.

Sufficiency: the condition or quality of being adequate or sufficient; adequate

The idea of being enough is something I've always struggled with. When we were first married, Michael quickly learned how much I disliked the phrase "Just do your best!" because I couldn't define what my best was. And when was it enough to meet the demands of the task or situation?

I am trying to come to terms with the idea that I am not enough . . . by myself. On my own, I am weak, mortal, and prey to my weaknesses and sins. But in partnership with my Savior, I am enough. Because He is enough. I know I am not alone in this struggle--the apostle Paul talked about sufficiency as well:

2 Corinthians 3:4-5--"Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think anything as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God." 

2 Corinthians 9:8--"And God is able to make all grace [enabling power of Christ] abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work."

2 Corinthians 12:7-10--"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Spending time with Henry always makes me feel better.

Philippians 4:6-7, 11-13--"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. . . . Not that I speak in respect of want; for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am in, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and suffer need. I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me." 

I think those last verses are particularly poignant--Paul to me is saying that he is learning to be okay with insufficiency. He can handle it because he knows he can do what he needs to do with the Lord's help.

Ether 12:26-27--"My grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness. And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I love that scripture because the Savior is saying that if I am meek enough, humble enough, to accept that I don't have it all together, then His power is enough for me meet the demands of the day, or of that particular moment.

I made a list of thoughts--mostly misperceptions, I realized, as I wrote them--about sufficiency. I wrote about what I thought equalled being "enough"--many of them involved external indicators like my body appearance or weight or the behavior of my children or the state of my house. I also wrote about what I felt indicated insufficiency. Well, insufficiency is an interesting word.

Insufficiency: not enough, inadequate quantitatively (e.g. She had insufficient funds to purchase the dress.)

It can often be confused with deficiency.

Deficiency: lacking something essential; related = defective qualitatively (e.g. His diet was deficient in iron.)

Satan really wants us to think that we are deficient, that there is something seriously flawed in our makeup that will prevent us from ever changing or improving. He wants me to think that every time I mess up, I am just proving to myself and others that I was fooling myself into thinking I could be something better.

On the other hand, Jesus Christ is saying, "Come unto me, all ye that labor, and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek, and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11: 28-30). Not to put words into His mouth, but essentially, it's like he's saying, "Come, take a load off, I will help you carry it. With me, you can do this. You might be insufficient on your own, but in me, you can become perfect."

I was deeply moved by one of my favorite hymns, "I Stand All Amazed," (#193) as I thought of it in the context of this topic:

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine
That he should extend his great love unto such as I.
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me.
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

Truly, on a day like today, when I haven't been enough, I can take heart knowing that while I am insufficient, I am not deficient, and I can keep trying. And not only that, in the mean time, the Savior's grace will make up for what I lack, and I can still be a sufficient mother, wife, teacher, and friend. I am grateful that I can be enough, through Him.

{Other great scriptures related to sufficiency: D&C 12:8, Moroni 10:32, D&C 67:13-14)}