No talking

A year or two ago my mother-in-law suggested a book to me by Andrew Clements entitled No Talking. (He's written lots of other good children's books, too.) It is a quick read, but the message was thought-provoking.

Essentially, some kids have a contest (boys against girls) that they can't speak at all (maybe for a week? I can't quite recall the details). If an adult talks to them and they have to answer, they can only use three words. That's it. Anyway, there is much more to the story, but essentially, the jist you get by the end is not only the power of words, but the power of their absence.

In my efforts to learn how I can best help Clara connect socially, listen and follow directions, and communicate more appropriately, I've looked into a program called Relationship Development Intervention, which is a very cool but very expensive ($10,000 and up) program for kids on the autism spectrum. Along a much cheaper avenue, I ordered an RDI book containing exercises and games to play with your child to improve certain skills. One of them is a "no-talking" game. You choose an activity where normally you would have to talk (e.g. not watching TV) and then you just don't. You can mime, point, and be very expressive otherwise.

The first time I tried this, we were cleaning up Clara's room. This is a daily struggle. When I stopped talking, Clara made so much more eye contact with me. She had to look at me to find out what she needed to put away next. And not only that, it was FUN for her! And for me, too. I realized then, and have been reminded several times since, that my frustration levels are so much lower when I simply use FEWER words. What a novel idea. Instead of trying to convince her or powerfully (tongue in cheek) persuade her through my speech, I used actions, pointing, and very (corny) facial expressions to get her to do things.

Last week during our "techno-free week" when I lost my voice, I did this some, too. It's quite liberating to just shut your trap and let your body do the talking. One thing Clara struggles with is using non-verbal communication herself, so occasionally we practice nodding or shaking our heads, etc.

Another principle that the RDI book talks about is speaking more slowly. SLOWLY. And using fewer words when you do speak. I guess I can be a pretty fast talker sometimes (all the time?). When I slow down, I feel silly and stilted, but Clara certainly pays more attention. The concept is that speech is a commodity, and the only way you make it more valuable is to make it less available. Interesting concept, isn't it? I constantly forget, but I'm trying to get better. I think all children could benefit from having less spoken at (notice I didn't say "to") them.

How can I expect my child to listen to me if I talk so much all she hears is the Peanuts comic strip teacher, "Wah-wah, wah wah wah, wah wah"?


Maybe actions really do speak louder than words.