"It" in the title refers to motherhood. I feel like my peace or frustration with Clara come in waves--sometimes I am just so proud of the progress she is making, and other times I feel like she's regressed and life is stagnant with everyday the same, dealing with the same discouraging issues. The past couple of months we have noticed improvements in Clara's social interactions, particularly with other children one on one. We have also noticed increased eye contact, more flexibility and obedience, and just a greater level of understanding on her part of what is expected of her. They are probably imperceptible changes to others, and they're not consistent, but Michael and I feel to thank our Heavenly Father for His tender mercies.
And then we have a week like this one has mostly been, with a lot of disobedience, defiance, difficulties with other children, etc. etc. Some days have left me in tears, and yesterday was a particularly discouraging one. Instead of turning to the Savior for strength, I turned my thoughts inward to my own inadequacies. Those "why" questions pop up a lot when I feel discouraged--why can't I have a "normal" child? Why aren't we being blessed with more children? Et cetera et cetera.
Residency has also been very stressful for Michael, and he has a lot on his plate right now. But, as usual, he put his heavy load aside for me last night and comforted me. As we turned to the Lord for guidance, I recognized that so many of my "mothering issues" have been about me. Me me me. Don't get me wrong, often I am aching for Clara and worrying for her and her future and whether she can make friends, survive school, get a job, get married, reach her full potential, etc. But other times, I've thought, "Why can't I have the precocious child?" "Why can't I enjoy the milestones that other moms do, at the right times (and not a year and a half later)?" "This is just too hard (for me)."
I was reminded last night that we as mothers make sacrifices. Big sacrifices. And they can't be for ourselves, so we can "look good." They are for the children we have borne, who we will never give up on, who we will do all that we can for (just ignore those dangling prepositions, okay?). It is for Clara that I must swallow my pride and mothering expectations and learn to put aside the petty wishes of my "instant gratification" heart ("I want results! Now!"). Patience is obviously something I need to work on.
Needless to say, my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ, grows when I remember that He has felt my pain and knows my struggles. And my struggles are so small compared to the devastating battles that so many women fight each day, all around me and all around the world. Even with all the minutiae of mankind's existence, He knows me--each of us--personally and has encircled me in the arms of His love.
I am learning to look upon motherhood as a chance to become acquainted with God. It's a work in progress.
Thank you for your insightful honesty. As a brand new mother, I too am learning about sacrifice in motherhood. So far I have learned it is a divine calling that allows women the opportunity to know our loving Heavenly Father, but that doesn't come with making sacrifices and struggles. I know your struggles with Clara are unique, but I do believe mothers (and people) everywhere have the same issues of "putting aside petty wishes" and an "instant gratification" heart". Take some comfort in knowing there are those who share in your feelings and learning process.
ReplyDeleteWow. You can put that all in words so well. I have some of those feelings too, granted I am sure it is not the same. I think we need to just remember that all of our trials are individually wrapped for us so that we , like you said, have a change to become aquainted with God. You are an amazing woman and I look up to you so much.
ReplyDeleteOh Brittany, I found your blog and want am glad to find out about how you are and how your family is doing! I can understand your frustration, it is only natural, and trust me you are much more "unselfish" than me! You are a wonderful mother just by what I have read!!! If you ever need to chat email me eliseb83@juno.com and I will give you my phone number!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this one! It's a lesson that I pretty much need to learn every day, too. Well, not the motherhood bit, but the relying on Him & remembering that yes, He does know how bad it is! I mean, you're still completely awesome & a terrific example to me, so don't fret too much! :-)
ReplyDeleteI love reading about your thoughts. Thank you for sharing. Motherhood is a struggle to become better and better. I am so sorry you have had a hard week. Don't stress so much about the future and enjoy the present!
ReplyDeleteBrittany, I hopw I am still around when you are old and wise, if only to see if you could be any more awesome than you are now, so young and wise...I love you and pray for you and Clara every day...oh, all right, Michael, too!
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